Tuesday, August 7, 2012

The Dreaded "P" Question

I suppose it could be worse.
It could be the "when are you due?" question.

Honestly, I get the "P" question too often. But, I suppose, after 3 kids, the body is supposed to show evidence of child bearing, right? So, the most recent conversation went down like this...

I'm at the water park with my kids and a girlfriend and one very nice lady I've met for the first time. I'm wearing my bikini, not much place to hide there. I'll refer to her as Woman A.

Woman A turns to me and says, "I hope you don't take this the wrong way..."

Internal Dialogue:
Oh great, she's going to ask me the "P" question.

Woman A: Are you pregnant?

Internal Dialogue: Yep, there it is.

Me: No...I know, I just look pregnant.

Woman A (obviously embarrassed by her faux pas, tries to recover): No, well, you're just so thin and you have a little belly, you know? But lucky you, you don't have any stretch marks!

Internal Dialogue: Well, at least she's trying...

Me: I know, I got lucky. That's probably why I have a little belly, since I didn't get any stretch marks, I had to get something.

Woman A: Well, at least you don't have belly fat.

Me: Well, actually I do have some, but that's okay. My body is what it is, so...

Sadly, I have experienced the "P" question many times. Once was at Xavier's grandma's 100th birthday party. I wore a body hugging dress. To my horror, my father-in-law came up to me with one of his female relatives in tow, with a big slightly drunken smile on his face and loudly exclaimed in front of the entire party:
"MY COUSIN AND I WERE TALKING ABOUT YOU AND HOW YOU LOOK IN THAT DRESS. YOU HAVE QUITE A BELLY...SO, IS THERE A BABY IN THERE?
It was obvious, my father-in-law proudly and astutely believed he had unearthed a secret.

Me: "Well, Daniel, no. I just look pregnant."

Daniel (Obviously did not believe me, thought I was being coy): "You are expecting, aren't you?"

Me: "Daniel, if I was a few months pregnant, I wouldn't be able to be here, I'd be at home vomiting into a toilet."

Daniel: "Oh"

I felt the need to explain
Me: "After Nico was born, I got an IUD and immediately afterward, my stomach popped out. It has never gone back down, I need to get this thing removed."

Daniel: "Oh, okay, sorry."

Me: "No problem, I know I look pregnant, I don't blame you for asking, I would also ask, myself."

Problem is: Have since removed the IUD and still getting the "P" question. However, there is a remarkable difference, now instead of looking 3 mos pregnant, I look about 1.5 mos. I don't think the "P" question will ever stop.

Went to the gynecologist and she told me I was crazy and that it was all in my head. I lined up sideways and said, "look at my stomach, that's not normal." She said it is a medical mystery. She said I'm "lucky considering" and that it could be worse. She listed off a slew of things I've never even heard of (after effects of child birth) such as hanging lower belly fat or something like that?! I thought, I'll never complain again. She said she can't imagine my IUD affecting my body in the way I'm insisting it has. She said, "maybe it's gas."
"So, I've been bloated from gas for 4 yrs? Don't you think if it were gas I'd just fart?"
She checked, not gas. So, after IUD removal, stomach went down noticeably within 48 hrs.  I'm still happy to have my body back, even if it's still with a belly, at least I know it's rightfully mine.

Surfing, Bike Riding, Swimming, Ice Skating 08/2012

Surfing and Bike Riding:
Anaïs has started surfing. In her words, "It's totally awesome!" It's great to see her in a little wet suit up on the surf board. She road waves the first day she tried it. I must say I am totally impressed. She is very, very athletic. Austin also had a go at surfing, but he fell a few times and doesn't really enjoy it. He literally just started to learn how to swim this summer. He also finally learned how to ride a bike (before it got run over by a car or something and is a little bent up now.) I guess Austin finally decided it was time to ride a bike, so he went out on his own, got on that bike and road it. Both Anaïs and Austin learned how to ride bikes by themselves. I always thought the parent is suppposed to help them, but they just make the decision one day, get on that bike, and go. Next thing you know, they come in the house and say, "I can ride a bike." And sure enough, they can!
It is just like when we took our vacation to Corsica last summer. Xavier and I were sweating it out on the beach, when we heard Austin suddenly yelling from the Mediterranean all excited, "I can swim! I can swim!" We looked down, and surely Austin was swimming!  We whooped and cheered him on.
Nicolas has swum for the first time this weekend. He just started putting his head underwater and actually starting swimming underwater. I'm totally amazed. They kind of come onto it on their own. He still remains in the shallow end, but it's starting.
 Adventure Land:
Took the kids to Adventure Land at the Mall after much badgering to eat at the Mall. I finally took the kids on a little outing to McDonalds. The restaurant overlooks Adventureland, so I was obligated to allow the kids to explore this place I've attempted to hide. They were totally excited! 
Made the mistake of wearing too short of a skirt to Adventureland that day. While I was attempting to understand how it works and how to buy the magic plastic card, Austin and Nicolas were fighting over grabbing onto my body like little bands of velcro. Then, Nicolas had the bright idea of trying to access my body from behind by lifting my skirt up way over his head.
I got very angry because I think I mooned everyone behind me and swatted him on the head before I yanked him out. He started to cry from this and I chewed him out a bit, couldn't help myself. Then, when I finished buying the card and was attempting to walk away, both boys went for a grab on either side of my legs, wrapped their arms around them and almost tackled me to the ground. I got upset again, stopped and had to physically peel each boy, one by one, off my body. 
We played games and went on rides. Kids loved it! Easy to blow a lot of money here. You receive a "credit card" with whatever amount you put on. Once the credit card runs dry, I explain to the kids the bank is closed, no more rides. The kids never seem to believe me and think that there is endless fun to be had and that this little plastic card has an infinite amount of cash on it. Sorry kids, that's not how it works. So, I had to drag the boys out of there.
Ice Skating:
Promised to take the badgering monkeys ice skating today at Morocco Mall, probably the only ice rink in Maroc. They are very excited. Nico is a little nervous, never been ice skating before. I made a point to say, "no we are NOT going to adventure land." The ice rink is inside Adventureland, so temptation is high, especially for Austin. They've been badgering me to ice skate since I promised them Tuesday. I know 2 days is so long to wait when you're 9, 7 and 4.
Mom's Mishap At The Ice Rink:
It was Nicolas's first time ice skating ever. He was terrified at first, then loved it. Holding both his hands almost broke my back since he's so short. I had to literally squat and skate the whole time. Broke out into a good sweat. Then decided to break free and skate a little on my own. Mind you, I was the ONLY adult skating. I decided to pick up a little speed. Went around a corner, the ice was REALLY cut up, but decided to do front cross-overs anyway, because I'm, you know, an arrogant, over confident show off.  Hit an edge, oops, lost balance for a split second, then.....TOE PICK. 
Next thing I know, I'm air born, an expletive more than likely flew out of my mouth as I landed palms down on the ice thinking "oh God, I'm going to slice up my hands."  I could almost see the ice turning red from the blood that was going to run from my palms.  So, I managed to rotate my body, hitting every part of it on the ice until I could make it onto my back, upon which I finished sliding across the ice.  Mind you, I'm wearing a tank top and jeans, but figured I'd rather slice up my shoulder and back than my palms. 
I managed to cut my elbow and bang up my hip. Was more embarrassed than injured. Have NEVER bit it that bad on the ice in my life. My palms were red and sore, but fine. However, I noticed ketchup on my jeans...I mean, oops, that's not ketchup. Only noticed my elbow much, much later. A pretty gash, but nothing to write home about. Still, had an awesome time ice skating with the kids.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Assault 8/2012

Ok, there is something seriously f-ed up here. I think EVERY female I know, or almost every female has been assaulted at least once. Most get their purses snatched. Some, who carry their purses across their bodies end up getting dragged down the street by the guy riding a moped who snags her purse from behind.

They go by on mopeds or bicycles and snatch purses or necklaces. Some get straight up robbed. Ramadan seems to be a season of higher crime, especially towards the end. I'm always nervous, but am more so now than before. One woman got attacked on the beach while running alone by two men, one carrying a 6 inch blade at her. Totally mental. In the end, she got neither robbed nor raped, she screamed so much, they walked away. One got attacked outside her home while she was unloading the car filled with groceries. Najat got attacked while she left a house from work, a guy put a knife to her throat and he walked away with her cell phone and her week's wages. Another woman got attacked yesterday while loading her car with groceries. Two men attacked her. She fought both of them off. She put pictures of her ordeal on facebook and is all bloody, but the girl fought. I give her kudos. I doubt they had a knife, but it must have been on the main road. Am totally confused as to why no one helped her??

All of my survival instincts kick in here in Maroc that I had in Chicago. Basically it feels like you're living in the middle of a Chicago slum, so how would you act if you're living in Cabrini Green?

I always look to see who is around me. I keep my purse off the street side shoulder. If I'm walking with a friend side by side, I keep my purse on the shoulder between us. I just went out and bought a 15$ plastic knockoff purse. Problem isn't the purse, it's the papers and cards inside the purse. I'm always worried about getting things snatched. Locals have warned me that if I'm on my cell phone in the car, I need to keep it on the ear that is away from the window, because someone could come by, reach in and snatch it out of my hand. Same goes for purses and packages, keep items on the floor behind you.

Never go running with money, a purse, or something valuable to steel. I always run with nothing on me, just in case. I always run either inside Marina Blanca where there will not be a problem, or on the street where there are lots and lots of people. I have more danger getting hit by a taxi or car suddenly pulling off onto the shoulder or a moped than anything else. I never go out alone where there are no people, forget about going out at night. Don't walk down a street that is dark. If you don't get attacked by a man, you might get attacked by a pack of wild dogs. I'm more afraid of the dogs currently than men.

I have yet to have a problem, but I think that has something to do with luck. A woman got her purse snatched last week while she was walking with her husband by a guy, albeit, not a very bright one who was on foot. Her husband is fit and was wearing trainers. Together they yelled and ran after the guy. He chucked the purse on the ground and continued running off. He broke the strap of her purse as he tried to steal it.

I understand why women wear djelabas. They have open pockets, so you put your belongings on the inside. I might just go out and snag my own, makes it kind of hard to get to my purse though if it's shoved inside a Djelaba, oh well. I guess the key is to look poor, but who wants to go around all covered up looking poor? Not I. I just want to be myself and not have any issues. Most people are very, very nice and friendly. It's just scary when something like this happens. You know it will happen, it's just a matter of time. I figured I'm safer since I live in Dar Bouazza, still I NEVER feel safe here either. I totally stick out. I just try to remain where there are people and never walk off onto a side road. I also don't wear too many nice things, not that I have so much jewelery anyway. Still I'd be pissed if someone stole my wedding band or my engagement ring. Those are sentimental. Let's hope nothing will ever happen.

Ramadan 8/2012

Oh, the dreaded and mysterious Ramadan.

Business hours get messed up, restaurants close during the day. Starbucks isn't open at the mall anymore. My life is over, or is it?....

Ramadan is time of the great fast. No drinking or eating while the sun is up. People's clocks get reversed.

Breakfast starts at Ftour, this year, around 7:45 PM when the sun goes down.

People start with dates, sweets, croissants, tsimmon (moroccan pancakes) and harera (moroccan tomato soup), coffee or tea.

Then around 11:30 PM/Midnight comes the main meal (pastilla), tajine, couscous, whatever.

Then around 3:30 AM before the morning prayer that starts maybe around 3:45 AM, not sure about the exact time, some people get up to have a last light breakfast of fruit and yogurt.

Ftour is a time for family and friends to get together and share a large meal. Eat and party (without alcohol). Honestly, I think it's awesome. The atmosphere at night at Marina Blanca is fantastic. Kids stay up and play until 11 PM, everyone is outside eating and drinking and having a grand old time without adults getting trashed. I think it's really great! Restaurants open up again late at night to serve people Ftour and dinner. It's kind of cool.

Most restaurants are closed during the day. I rarely eat out anyway. I don't find the food in restaurants to be that good. I prefer what Najat cooks at home. The restaurants are all the same anyway, for me brochette, tajine, salad and harera. You can only take so much of that. I haven't had really good steak since I have the impression the meat is sketchy. I won't eat anything unless it's fully cooked. No one seems to know how to butcher meat. They just lob off a hunk of the cow hanging from the hook. No point asking for filet mignon. I'm not a big fan of lamb either. For me, the taste is a little too strong.

I tried to observe Ramadan the first day. I was deathly hungry by the end of the day. I like to run in the early evening and if I have no food, then I have no gas. It didn't quite work for me. Out of respect for others, I don't eat or drink in public. Honestly, it's so hot, I'm not that hungry during the day anyway. Ramadan is more an issue for expats at work. The restaurants are all closed so they have to bring their food with them and eat quietly away from others. It's ok. We're in week 2 already.

It doesn't feel that much different from France. In the month of August, often times small stores and bakeries will just close down completely for the holiday. It annoyed me when I was living in Paris in 1998-1999 because I was still on American mentality that commerce should never stop. Now, I think that is a silly and foolish attitude. Life happens, everyone needs a vacation sometimes...Enjoy.

Sexuality...I understand a little more...I Think 8/2012

Ok, I'll only talk about the women, because I've never actually talked to a man about sex, sorry to say.

When women are unmarried, but hunting, dress western. They are cute, wear makeup, leave their long hair down, uncovered. In short, they look Western. This is a signal to men that they are on the hunt and available.

Western: Europe and America, includes for me East Europe, Australia, Russia, Canada, so on and so forth.

Women always have long hair, even when they are grandma. Not sure why? Not all women have long hair, some cut it, but I don't ever recall a Moroccan woman here with a really, really short hair cut. At shortest, it might fall down to their shoulders.

Once a woman is in an established relationship, ie she plans to marry the guy she's dating, she will start to cover up. She covers everything except her face, hands, and feet. In the summer, I've seen exceptions to this rule and women come out wearing a lot less because after all, it's hot! The reason why women cover their bodies is because men apparently are very jealous and don't want any other man to look at their woman. The insistence seems to come from men. However, a woman who covers herself is a woman who is well raised and chaste.

Women who are fortunate it enough to have more education and who have had the opportunity to travel, will embrace more western ways of dressing and are more likely to speak either French or sometimes even English to their children. Language is a social class differentiation. There is an unspoken caste system here in which people are born into. You can break out of it, but I've heard people mention more than once the idea of being born into a specific caste. There seem to be general feelings of rights of birth (and luck of birth.)

I am kind of confused about how sex drives work inside a marriage. For me, my drive increases when I feel sexy and am being flirted with or hit on by other men. It helps my sexuality in my own marriage. I figure it must be the same for men. Personally for me, to deny myself this "uplift," will most likely have a negative direct impact on my sex drive and thus on the frequency of my "marriage relations." The sexier I feel, the greater the frequency.

I think across the board, when people don't feel attractive, their sex drive decreases. This is true if they feel ugly or out of shape, beaten up from a boss who is bullying you at work, etc. I don't understand why this would be different for Morocco.

An expat told me that she lived in Saudi Arabia before. Mind you, I have yet to have the pleasure of visiting this country, I'm very curious. But she taught English in highschool. The women in Saudi Arabia are completely covered. She explained that often times, a woman's goal is just to get married because she wants a man to take care of her. That's it. Once a marriage has been established, she completely lets herself go. It's like the opposite of vanity. I cannot imagine thinking like that. In the west, sadly divorce is now pre-programmed in our brains. Half of us now come from divorced parents, so we see things a little differently. I always assume that my husband might leave me one day, so I think about how I'm going to support myself if that should ever come to pass. I don't think women in Saudi Arabia think this way. At least, not yet.

Equality in Sexuality seems to come in conjunction with equality in education and work.  Once a woman can financially support herself, she is in a better position to call some shots in her life and in the couple.
 
When I was a young sexually active unwed female, I wanted to find a man who had lots of sexual experience. I figured, let him learn on someone else. I wanted someone to come to the table with skills. It seems like men in the west want the same things from their spouses. This freedom of sexuality is actually shocking for MANY cultures. My Lebanese friend was shocked when she found out I wasn't a virgin when I married my husband. She asked, "didn't he mind?" I said, "I think he would have minded much more if I was still a virgin." She couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe that in her culture men take their future brides to be inspected to make sure she's still "whole." After all, it's just sex. Why is there such a fuss?

I advise people regarding marriage: If you're going to eat out at the same restaurant for the rest of your life, you better check out a few restaurants first before making that decision. You don't want to wonder years later that you may be getting a bad meal.  It is an inopportune time to decide to change restaurants once  you're already married.

Unwanted House Guests 08/2012

There are 2 unwanted house guests that we just can't seem to get rid of:

1. Ants
2. Cockroaches

1. Ants are a given. They're small, they get into many things. They come out of the cracks in the walls, floors, and behind the wood frame on the doors. We spray poison but that's about all we can do.

2. Cockroaches: Every day we have about 5 in the house, mostly live. They prefer to come out at night. They crawl up the patio and under the doors, climb up drains, climb up the outside walls and in through the windows. They are big and fast. They often somehow end up falling on their backs, then get stuck that way, so in the morning I go around collecting stranded cockroaches and throw them out the window.

The company here at Marina Blanca spray inside and outside, but it doesn't seem to help. Of course, when I asked them to come out and spray again, their only answer was "well ma'am, it's cockroach season."

How to kill a cockroach: The first time I saw a giant cockroach was upstairs on the second floor. Cockroaches were "new" to the family since we didn't have them in the winter and the kids were very excited and agitated to see one. I took a big shoe and smashed it. Guts and Goo shot out of it all over the wall. It was very squished and stopped moving. Nicolas was very excited about mom's fresh kill and blew on it. Suddenly, it jumped up, entrails dragging behind it and started running around. All three kids went hysterical. Nicolas broke out into tears. Anaïs hustled everyone down the hallway to her bedroom.

Sadly it wasn't just the kids who were terrified, mom was too. So, I took the shoe and slammed it on the cockroach a second time. More guts and goo shot out and sprayed the wall. Really disgusting. I'm thinking this is an awful mess to clean up for one cockroach. This time he looked definitively dead. I got a wad of toilet paper and decided to pick him up and flush him down the toilet. Honestly, I had goose bumps and images of this thing coming back to life a third time, running up my arm. I will not lie, I was concerned...But he stayed dead.

I only stomp on a cockroach if it's moving at top speed and I have no choice because it might disappear under the couch or something. My new method (since I find at least one almost EVERY night in my bathroom), I put my hand in a washcloth, pick the thing up live and simply hurl it out the window. I have a tendency to pick them up too roughly 'cause sometimes their guts squish out a bit, ewe, yuk, but not sure that will actually kill it, so it too gets hurled out the window. Sometimes I miss the window and it ricochets back on me, springs to life and starts cruising around. That happened this evening. Wasn't too happy about it, but still managed to put it back out the window.

I have yet to start grabbing them with my bare hands, though that time may yet come...Yuk. They are harmless, just disgusting.

Kids are pretty impressive and getting used to cockroaches. One night, Anaïs came into my bedroom in the middle of the night and said "um, mom, there's a cockroach in my bed." Well, I figured I better get up because that's kind of an emergency. Sure enough, a cockroach climbed up inside Anaïs's mosquito net above her bed. I trapped the thing in the net, unhooked it from the ceiling, then dangled it out of the net outside off her balcony. I showed her the evidence of the empty net a few times, but she didn't believe me that it was gone, so we didn't hook her mosquito net back up that night. I double checked her covers, just in case because I know a cockroach in my bed would totally freak me out. Once we established her bed was clear, she was able to go back to sleep, albeit, she probably got eaten to death that night by a million and one mosquitoes that fly everywhere (thus the mosquito nets.)

I was really impressed that Anaïs at 9 years of age didn't go screaming and freaking out over a cockroach in her bed. She remained quite calm. I figured most other little girls would have screamed and cried hysterically. When I freak out, I try to only freak out on the inside and show a stoic front to the kids so they remain calmer. Still, cockroaches, yeah, I'm getting sick of them. Too bad you can't turn them into soup or something...free meal, lots of protein.